Wives, who'd have em - for Fred Smiff

I'm not sure what you are going to make of this Fred,  I can only apologise that my brain thinks in such odd ways!

Congratulations miracles do happen! said Pearl with not a hint of sarcasm but a trowels worth.

Depending on who you were to Pearl or should I say, who she thought you were to her, she was either your best friend or your worst nightmare.  She knew everybody and the whole villages business. 'A person of the community' she had said, or a real nosey neighbour, others had whispered. You certainly wouldn't say it to her face, gosh no, only an idiot would get on the wrong side of her. Yet somehow her husband Fred had. Long suffering Fred. For him 'the woman really was alright right'. So bad was it that sometimes he was torn, should he say the wrong thing just so she could be right, or say the right thing and have her correct him with her version of the right thing, even if it was the wrong thing? Huh, life was wearing him down. No, that's not fair on life, Pearl was wearing him down.

I'm not taking the bait, he thought to himself. He struck up the mower and zoned out to the engines buzz. And then a half chewed dog toy whacked him in the back, followed quickly by a thud in the back of his legs, Boris, their stupid dog who still hadn't learnt to apply the brakes rather than overshoot the toy every time, as he had for the last 7 years. Stupid mut.

Switching off the mower, a new noise took over

"For heavens sake Fred, I've been calling you for 10 minutes! Watch the frogs, I've got toad watch on Tuesday and I can't have you mowing them down in the back garden. What ever would the neighbours say?!'

Urgh Pearls incessant voice. He had only been mowing for 3 minutes, only done one length, she can't have been yelling at him for 10 minutes and so what, the neighbours would hardly know if a daft frog failed to hop out of the way. Can't see them hurrying over with forensics any time soon.

"Ok love"  he said, his voice monotone.

He took refuge in his shed, well their shed, she had her pink trowel and fork carefully hung, ready for the next village in bloom competition.  Not that she did much, no the garden was Freds job. Wouldn't want her breaking a nail now would we?

Perching on an old painting ladder he contemplated his options.

1. Do nothing - live like this for perhaps another 30 years, 10 if he was lucky
2. Divorce Pearl, skip the country with what pittance he had left and find a shack where he would slowly learn to like people again
3. Stand up to Pearl, tell her what a horrid old goat she was then kick her out of 'his' house

Well option 3 was a dream, he couldn't even muster the energy to question her dinner choices. Another irritant. Option 2 required so much effort, and why should she win. Of course there would be the initial shame of having such a treacherous husband, but then she would revel in the sympathy. Put a brave face on, be a good soldier. Urghh it made him feel sick that she wallowed in the attention.  Any card you played she would trump it. And so option 1...

Grabbing the rake he trudged out to the garden. He would walk the lawn length by length with the rake. A stupid frog can't ask for more than that.

"Now what are you doing?" She hollered "You will stab the poor things"

Really? Stab them? Have all these frogs got dicky hips or something? Are they blind?

"Brush your hand over the grass and warn them. We don't want any accidents" she yelled from the kitchen window.

Seriously?  She wants him to crawl on his hands and knees, stroking the grass, talking to frogs who may or may not be there. More likely the neighbours recommend she get him sectioned if they saw him doing that!

"Darling, a baby frog" he scooped his hands into the long grass "I will put him in a pot for safety. You want to come and take a look?" He shouted back

He walked to the shed, his hands cupped

She came scurrying out, "That's not proper protocol,  but perhaps the children at the school could have it." Yes he thought, except the school children would know a baby frog was a tadpole.

Thwak!

Boris barked

Fred smiled

Pearl said nothing. For the first time ever Pearl said nothing. Well how could she, she was dead.

30 years prison or 30 years hell, there was no competition.

The End