Apologies for the cake withdrawal symptom induced story earlier. I'm back to normal self now.
Before I march into my strawberry box of thoughts, to run through my day, its been lovely. I visited the market for more fresh food, and came back with two gorgeous ceramic bowls. I've eaten far too much and been reading 'What should I do with my life" by Bo Pearce, which I am very much enjoying, especially the range of stories from others that have broached this huge question.
It has struck me though that I may be taking this all too seriously. I don't know why I feel so compelled to make the 'right' choice and not waste life and its opportunities, but I really do. If I let my mind think on it, it is like a huge weight. So many possibilities, too much choice, so many roads that could be taken. I'm not the most decisive person at the best of times, so this not knowing and lack of focus is a struggle in itself. I'm presuming there is a right choice, a purpose that will make me feel fulfilled and complete. Happy; not that I'm generally unhappy, that's the odd thing, I just feel a bit lost. If ever I have a project I doggedly pursue it, in my work I'm a self confessed workaholic and now it seems this search for purpose is my new challenge.
When I started this 6 months ago in leaving the gallery, I thought I just wanted to set up my own business, but its beginning to look increasingly like a quarter life crisis lol.
Anyway having been desperate to analyse my list yesterday, today I avoided it. I left my strawberry pot of thoughts on the floor fearful of what it might reveal. My nature is to organise, place things in neat piles, draw explanations, over think. What I could do with is a neon sign going "oi oi this way, this ones important! ". Given no neon sign has appeared, I split the 108 into 4 categories:
1. Me - things I felt my soul needed (sorry for using heavy words)
2. Family - anything that related to them
3. Business - my many 'own this...'
4. Actions - things I wanted to do that didn't fit into other categories, very broad.
I'm sure if I were to mix them all up again, I would likely place some things in different groups but hey ho. I've now got four envelopes, each to be tackled. The first to tackle was the hardest 'Me'. I very quickly split them into 2 further categories. It's really hard to describe the 2 categories, but it resulted in something like: If you do these things (pile 1), you have more chance of doing these /feeling like this (pile 2). Interestingly there were 21 in pile 1 and 20 in pile 2, so very equal and 40% of my 108 are things about me. Not that surprising I suppose.
I'm going to leave them spread over the bed, and tackle another envelope.
Did anyone join me in this exercise? Get any interesting results?
Do leave me comments, it helps me know I have an audience to my ramblings :-) xxx
Bebe! it is 10 o clock and I have to make a slow cook beef stew any minute but just going to reply to this one before I do! Think you are definitely on the right track.
ReplyDeleteNo harm in thinking seriously about what you want and you've obviously established that it is important to you not just to drift - despite the fact that you have a marvelous and enviable ability to go with the flow which should never be quashed!
I like - things my soul needs - not heavy - very important!! (and er... I suppose cake was in there somewhere though?!) ;)
Need more info on no 3 - what is this 'own this' lark - not sure what you meant - do you mean business takeovers as in Maria now owns Top Shop - or more likely - has taken over Greggs!! ;) or is it about things you'd like to own e.g. car or cow! ;)
and you're absolutely right to think about the 'me' pile - it's actually dangerous - in my view - NOT to think about the me things in life. It can cause bottled up feelings of resentment and result in disaster (was I referring to Nick perhaps do you think?!) yes Nick.. but also have done similar myself when putting my own needs aside for too long. One needs to compromise if living or working with others but there must be a balance.
I know it's tempting cos if you're like me you can't help wanting to help and do things for other people - and to please other people too... especially if a bit afraid of confrontation... Takes work! But a bear tries hard and we can form a support group to work on this important issue! Especially if I ever dive into a relationship again - and at the moment... well.. don't really know what to say about that - very complicated. and possibly just all in my mind!... need to message you!! There is much to say that I can only say to one or two people - you being one!!
However - bad bear should be cooking beef right now and I have the parish audit to knuckle down to (and the garden calls!) so will take a break from facebook stuff now and come back to it later. But thinking of you a lot and sorry I haven't been in touch - you'll understand when you see my message (which I haven't written yet but I'm getting there!!)
Take care, enjoy new friends and pondering time..
Wizlizzy xxx
Thanks for such a heartfelt message Wizbear. I have been full of thoughts recently and you sussed me quickly, I do indeed have a tendancy to bottle up, avoid confrontation, put a happy face on regardless of true feelings. Still I am getting much better avout opening up, talking and even blogging about how I feel.
DeleteI'm definitely muddling through :-) certainly thinking more about me, and what I think is good for me. We can definitely support each other in this :-)
Cake did indded appear several times, and the own things were cow, land , dairy, lots of dogs, woodland, farm, cafe, business. I feel destined to live out in the sticks mucking out cows for at least part of my life lol As a pressie a couple of friends gave me details to the farmer who owns the local cows down the hill and the rare breed association, so im going to try and volunteer and learn more. I currently know nothing about cows lol.
Thanks for being such a good friend Wizbear, big hug! Xxx
P.s. hope the stew was tasty