Naughty me I have been putting this one off as it didn't instantly grab me what that noise could be, and I really struggled to form a story. I think it shows in the character and style I created, but hey here it is. Hope you like it Phillip :-)
Today's police officers seem to do nothing more than constantly moan about about the amount of paperwork they have to do. Every parking ticket, every 10p sweet pocketed, and every drunken ramble, all recorded on cassette then transcribed word for word, long hand, by a police man who wants to be doing proper stuff like what they do on CSI.
Well anyway, these records get filed away and largely forgotten, even the mysterious ones like this. Some youngster was found on the rocks of the lake and swore blind honest truth to the whole tale. The officers on the case had scoffed, so bizarre was the story, and added their own beginning to the youngsters account 'The sun was gradually rising abive the mists of the shimmering lake...suddenly from beneath the waters there came a sound, the likes of which had never been heard before'. Actually the officers were rather more gifted in the literary sense (although they did get the time of day wrong). The youngster was rather more babbly, always off on a tangent, his head obviously not in a good place. But still, here is the transcribed account, make of it what you will:
"There was a noise, from in the lake, I hadn't heard owt like it before
Sergeant Baker: could you try and describe it?
It was like a gurgle, a long groaning gurgle, kind of like a plug hole draining the last of a bathtub, but obviously it wasn't, the lake was still full of water, so..well I'm not sure what it was.
Anyway I stood looking at the lake for a while after, I half wondered if we had our own version of the Loch Ness Monster. I was going to call it the River End Monster, get it? The holy monster that swallows naughty children and drunken sinners?
Sergeant Baker: Yes, very good
Ha, well if he ain't real I might just make him up, spread a rumour or two...or is that arrestable?
Sergeant Baker: Yes it would be
Ah well I won't bother then. Anyway I must have wasted half an hour or so just standing there like a muppet, but hell I had nothing better to do. Moping kind of suited the time. Me ex had just gone dumped me. Had told the whole bloody pub every bad habit, every supposed personality flaw and mocked my beer gut, though its not even a beer gut, a slight paunch maybe. She was just being a cow, left me feeling about 2 inches tall, even put me off my drink in case she was right about the beer gut. And so I had wandered into the night, and found myself in the most ridiculously romantic setting. Moonlight, glistening lake the full works. We'd had nooky there on a night not to dissimilar. Don't suppose you care about that? That's not arrestable is it?
Sergeant Baker. It is, but I will let it slide this once
Ah cheers. Well stupid woman, its not like she's perfect. Just cos she acts all mature all the while. Boring more like. She never used to be so straight laced, so sensible. She used to find my pranks funny, and why shouldn't she, they are funny! It was funny. It was a classic. I had to warn every other woman in the bar, to make sure it worked. Everyone else thought it was funny. They roared with laughter! How was I to know she had just been to the hairdressers, it was only water, its not as if she was going to have a shower in the morning anyway. Her huff had only made it funnier, initially, until the others realised I was being dumped. And then the silence. She'd stormed out and the landlord had patted me on the back and said 'sorry mate' whist handing me a mop and bucket. The shame, ahh. Stupid village, bet they are having a field day coming up with stupid jokes. Anyway, I really am rubbish at this story telling stuff.
Sergeant Baker: Your doing fine, its just for our records. Please continue
Basically the lake was making odd noises and I was the only one near by, so I was either losing my mind, about to be eaten by the River End Monster (in kudos with the ex) or somethings else was happening. Sanity left me and I decided to dive in, paunch and all. Firstly, fuck was it cold! Like freezing, proper freezing. Thought I was going to die right there and then I was gasping so much. Obviously didn't, but I ain't jumping in no rivers again, I'm not a complete idiot.
Turned out that glistening wasn't the moon and refracting light (or reflecting light - I don't know, whatever the physics blokes say), no its actually millions of tiny glow fish. You know the ones? They've got a cousin that flies with a light in their bum. Well anyway it was loads of them near the surface making it shimmer, so I was like swimming around with them and stuff, and they were in this massive swarm stretching down really deep. It was amazing! At first I was a bit freaked you know, I mean I was only wearing my pants, they could have blatantly eaten me. But then I spotted they were all like attacking this big orange thing. Like its massive, so I went to look, and the bloody thing moved! Its a fucking massive octopus, like huge. Size of a bus, I'm not joking! And these fish were all pecking at it! Well I know this sounds odd but it looked at me, like square in the eye, real intense, and I got this feeling he was, you know, sad. Well it makes sense, what with all these fish bothering him. And then he like yawned but groaned at the same time. You know how the sound comes out funny? Well it was like that. That was the odd noise I'd heard.
Well like I needed some air, but felt bad leaving him, so I filled up and then started boxing these daft glow fish. Can you imagine? Me and a massive octopus boxing with a million glow fish! It was amazing, like I was on such a high. I felt like I was really helping this octopus, and you know we were winning, they started to swim off. And then it was just me and him, I don't know what happened next, its all a bit blank..."
The police record states a young white male of medium build was found on the rocks near Lake End covered in small red bites and one very large 'sucker' mark on his chest. To my knowledge no further investigation was carried out, and no similar accounts have ever been recorded.
So what do you think happened?
The End
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