The mother of all Housewives!

I realise that this is fast becoming a homage to my writing course, but the more I call upon my sub-conscious for inspiration the more concerned I am, that I am actually far odder than first feared. To demonstrate the point the last three days writing has included:

1. The life of a bread bun - told from the point of view of a bread bun

2. The wine induced urge to create giant ironing piles by emptying my wardrobe - I did this!

3. His and hers raincoats

Oh God. It has just dawned on me....there is a link between all three. I am becoming the mother of all housewives!!! Baking has infiltrated my dreams, I am beginning to see ironing as a pleasurable activity and if not restrained my sub conscious will allow me to purchase his and hers raincoats! HELP!!! I need to start writing about mad nights on the town, the hidden joys of kebabs and left over curry....arrghhh my mind is struggling to come up with other fun less housewifely things. I may already be doomed!

What am I?

Another quick blog relating to my much loved creative writing course. The great thing about doing a course like this is that it forces you to do things that you haven't done in ages, or perhaps have never done. Take for instance our last challenge - to write a poem! Something I haven't done in a very very long time, and something I have always struggled with.

The Challenge

We all brought in a mystery wrapped item, popped them in the middle of the table, each chose one and scurried off to a corner where no one else could see us unwrap it. The challenge was to write a poem about the object, without saying what it was, but personifying - giving it an attitude or emotions. Here is mine, can you guess what it is?

My ash filled bowels
tell of past letters and scraps
I can destroy your darkest secret
and warm your now cleansed soul

Air bellows through my body
tainted with a musky past
Heavily used but not abused
my every millimetre has a
trace of my use
A dark shadow of memories
Burnt but not forgotten

Well? Any guesses? To be honest I didn't know what it was when I was writing about it, but here is an similar image of what I had to work with



Does the picture help? Well, I was later informed that it is a bee smoker. The smoke calms the bees while the beekeeper swipes the honey away. Thus less chance of being stung :) You learn something new everyday.

The Cake Queen!

It has been commented that my facebook status regularly hints at an obscene level of baking activity, leading one friend to label me The Cake Queen - a title I am very happy to adopt! This led to me wonder, how much baking of new recipes and naughty treats I had actually done in the last month?

This week
1 cucumber salad
1 veggie moussaka
16 bread rolls
8 fruit scones
1 apple crumble
1 pleated bread loaf
1 caramelised red onion, mushroom and feta cheese tart

Last week
1 butternut squash crumble
1 pleated bread loaf
1 apple crumble
1 bakewell tart
1 batch of of treacle toffee
12 lemon and sultana cookies

OK I am going to stop now, I think we get the picture...I am slightly addicted to baking. No cakes though. Perhaps a more appropriate title would be the Baking Queen. This does rather explain why my jeans have been feeling ever so much tighter recently. In reality the scales broke,well ran out of batteries, and it appears I sub-consciously decided it is better to eat cake and be blissfully unaware of the impact. But I foresee a dark day on the horizon. An evil day when baking will have to be sidelined in exchange for sweat inducing gym workouts and salad. The only muffins on my mind will be the muffin tops cascading either side of my trousers! Scary!!! No worries I will swap sugar for Splenda, that will make my baking healthier.....

The best laid plans of Maria and rats

A friend rather foolishly told me you could buy harnesses for rats which would enable you to take them for a walk. I know it's a very odd concept, and one if put into practise is bound to raise a few eyebrows - but hey I am known to be a little eccentric, so off I went to the shops.

Roll time forward and I have two harnesses and two rats in the same room but no where near one another. I stupidly let them play on the floor and they are both hiding under the bed. 45 minutes later the bed has been moved back and forth and one rat (Ruppie) has been caught. A further 10 minutes later and Roddy is caught and sat unwillingly on my knee having his harness fitted. After much squirming and a matrix of scratches on my arm, he is walking on a lead! It lasts 1 minute tops. The harness is too loose, he escapes and is under the bed again. Dejar vu sets in and it is another 15 minutes of scrabbling under the bed until Roddy is back in his house.

Rats 1 - Maria 0

Better luck next time?

The Vanity of Iguana's

Another long spell without writing on my blog, but better late than never. Keen to whip myself into action I have started on three new courses, TEFL, Drawing and the focus of this blog - Creative Writing.

It really surprises me how easily very odd things that spring together into a surreal but coherent story. One of our warm up exercises resulted in one of my best bits of writing so far. I really encourage others to give it a go.

Step 1 - Think of 10-12 categories e.g. Towns, Furniture, Reptiles, Celebrities etc

Step 2 - Think and write down one example for each of these categories. the first thing that comes to mind e.g. Norwich, Table, Iguana, Bruce Willis etc

Step 3 - The aim is to use all the examples you came up with. Set an alarm for 10mins and start writing!

Tip. Don't worry about what you are writing, just go with what ever flows it doesn't have to make sense. Have fun with it.

Here is my attempt:

Towns/Cities = Norwich
Reptile = Iguana
Street = Bracondale
Desert = Antarctica
Item of Clothing = Bobble Hat
Pudding = Jam Roly Poly
Vegetable = Pumpkin
Sea = Irish
Job = Detective
Celebrity = Laurence Luellen Bowen
Pet = Rat
Furniture = Dressing Table
Illness = Alzheimer's


Jasmina stared into the mirror, and basked at her wonderful reflection. She was without doubt the most beautiful iguana, and she knew it. Her dressing room had been personally designed by Laurence Luellen Bowen and her vintage 50's dressing table with its large round mirror and symmetrical spacious drawers was the centre piece. She sat for hours on the plump velvet stool surrounded by the potions and make up that her natural beauty didn't really require.

Her home in Norwich, on the most prestigious of streets, Bracondale, had its handful of characters. Roddy was one of them. Although a rat he had the panache of a lion and paraded himself about. He invited himself in everywhere and to everything. Irish by birth he had travelled far and wide, doing various work as a detective and spy for MI5. On clapping sight of Jasmina he saw her for what she was; a vain and shallow excuse of a life form.

You are wasted in front of the mirror, travel with me. Broaden your horizons. Antarctica, Peru, India. You can eat jam roly poly in Scotland, Pumpkin soup in Mexico. I will buy you the finest alpaca bobble hat.

To Jasmina it was just babble. It was widely know Roddy was suffering from Alzheimer's. The tales he told could or may not be reality. Memories or a desperate jigsaw of what may have been. No she was quite happy in front of the mirror.


Very odd I know, but great fun and it made a few people giggle. Do let me know if you give it a go and how you got on!

Maria xxx