Doxie

This is a very personal blog, but seen as I have written about it, I feel OK to post it. 

While away on my honeymoon my gorgeous Springer Spaniel Doxie passed away at the grand old age of 16. I realise it must have been one of the hardest phone calls my parents have ever had to make, and I confess I didn't take the news very well. He was in many ways my best friend and I am sure all pet owners are similar in feeling a very close bond. 

Having come home for the first time since his death, I was initially so wrapped up in the hectic fun chaos of Xmas that it didn't hit me Doxie hadn't run up to greet me as he usually did. My parents intentionally or not, had taken or hidden his photos away, and there was only an ominous box on top of the fish tank. My dad soon asked when we would be making the trip to spread his ashes, and it was that evening, when everyone was asleep that it hit me. I wrote this then, thinking of him, and I am glad to say that it really helped me through the following day.

I have put this off for so long. It was the worst shock to hear that you had died, and I know our parents had dreaded telling me. I had always joked you were invincible, and now I sit, at midnight alone with just your ashes. Usually you would have nuzzled me when I cried, or if you were feeling a tad grumpy just let me lay my head on you. Now though, I'm cradling a box, ashamed to show so much grief almost a year later.

I had to force myself to open it, see you as you now are. I didn't want to gasp tomorrow when I finally spread your ashes. How awful of me to have left you in a box, a constant reminder to everyone else but me.

I have finally pulled my finger out. Of all the walks we shared I had known instantly where I wanted your ashes to rest. Silly really as we had only walked there once, but I am sure it must have been one of your favourites. I don't even know the name of the place, only how to drive there. A bay, with a walk to the left and a walk to the right. We went right. Me, you and Deino - your young heir; he's learnt some of your tricks but not all. The Christmas pressies have remained intact. We used to have to re wrap yours at least 3 times!

It's a really long walk, a good two hours, along the coast, through fields and over stiles and fences. Through a field of cows, which you still barked at despite their size, and finally a stony little bay.

You had dived straight into the water and started your incessant excited barking, while doing the doggy paddle. In all the time we had been walking we hadn't met another sole, and I threw caution to the wind, stripped and swam with you both, throwing you the odd stone, which you swam towards then left. You always preferred shallow rivers for rock collecting. Used to bring back the biggest you could - God knows why your teeth were so chipped.

Anyway, damp but happy the three of thus headed back and then you found a dead rabbit! Stinky and rancid, you were so proud of yourself, and it was to me you offered your prized gift. It was the same on many walks, rats, dead fish, anything minging. Then again, I nicknamed you Sexy Loverdog and to you these were the best presents you could bestow on me. I preferred your kisses minus the putrid animal breath. Do you remember the doggy breath mints we used to get you?

I'm off on a tangent, the truth is, by the time we got back to the car we were all wet, muddy and happy and that was Nirvana to you. I really hope you will be very happy there, and I will always love you.

Your best friend
Maria xxx

The walk the following day, was lovely and I am sure he will be very happy there. A little troop of us, went on the walk - my parents, sister, husband and Deino, and I carried Doxie, taking a sometimes random route as he would have done. The cows were still there, huddled around their feeding trough. There was a bracing wind and it was very muddy; Deino, who is usually a blond Labrador was black by the end! On arriving at the beach, I quickly took my shoes and tights off and paddled in the water before my parents could try and talk me out of it. It was freezing but there was no way Doxie would have visited a beach and not gone in the water. We spread his ashes and ate a little bar of chocolate in memory. It seems so odd to say, and I know we look for signs. But there was a dead gull on the beach. I was so glad! It seemed as though it was meant to be and I could picture Doxie happily splashing about and rolling in stinky dead gull. Daft I know.

Anyway it really helped me to write my feelings down. And it's very nice to think of him happy.

Maria x